Mental Health

I was once told to write what I know and here is what I know. I received a distinction in talking about Mental Health when studying English. I am also qualified in Well being and Mindfulness. ❤
NEVER BE ASHAMED AS I WAS
Anti depressants. Well if you know what these are or have seen them before, maybe you use them, you will know exactly what they are for, need I say more, no not really, but I am going too.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT
Why are people looking at me?
Am I ugly? My appearance?
They think that I am odd? Strange maybe?
Something wrong with me?
They think I am not normal?
PICKING UP ON EVERYTHING
That lady in the shop, did not greet me or smile at me today.
What have I done wrong?
Does she not like me?
Have I offended her?
Have I upset her?
What did I do?
I am always nice to her.
SOCIAL MEDIA
I sent someone a friend request, they didn’t accept it.
Do they hate me?
Do they not want to talk to me?
Am I embarrassing to be friends with?
Did I do something wrong?
What did I do?
Why do they not want to be my friend?
Am I not good enough?
So many questions or…..
Why didn’t they tag me?
Why did they not like my picture?
They never wished me a Happy Birthday, I always wish them a Happy Birthday.
You question yourself over and over again, looking for answers.
The smallest little thing will trigger a wave of thoughts, and then you start to imagine things that are not true.
OUT AND ABOUT
If you have managed to leave the house, WELL DONE!
that in itself can be a huge task. But then…
People are laughing.
Are they laughing at me?
People are talking.
Are they talking about me?
They are whispering.
Are they whispering about me?
GATHERINGS
Two is company and three is a crowd, well it is true, this has been my story over and over and over again. (I am number three).
Feeling alone in a crowded room. People talking around you, with their backs to you, simply feeling you are not included.
Certainly been there several times before, I am the crowd, the odd one out, the loner.
Friends may be going out, you are uninvited, Why?
Or sorry it will not be your sort of thing. Why?
Are you really wearing that?
SELF DOUBT
Ashamed, ashamed I feel this way.
I never started that course as I knew I would never finish it.
I never took that job, as I knew I would be no good.
I never gave my opinions as I know no one would listen.
You get to that stage (well I did) if you have got nothing you have nothing to loose.
Looking in the mirror, what do I see?
A washed up boring individual looking back at me.
Why can’t I look like that?
EMOTIONS
Switch quicker than a light switch 0-60 in 0.02 seconds. Raging and crying without coming up for air. Hating change and in a split second you throw a total BF (bitch fit) adorable princess to the wicked witch of the west syndrome. Losing control of a simple situation which in your mind had escalated to a huge massive problem which is still expanding by the second, until you feel you are so overwhelmed that you are now drowning and you can not find a way out. That roller coaster of emotions and destruction is beginning to surface. Your eyes are pools and the waterfall begins and you can’t stop the emotions from coming. Uncontrollably sobbing, but why?
Why am I crying?
I can not stop crying.
Why am I so upset?
I can not remember why?
Life spiralling out of control and sometimes feeling powerless to stop it. You want to be in the driving seat but you can’t it is like something has taken over you and you can not control your out of control mode. The person I once was has vanished and I am just a shadow of what I once was. I am me. I have been me for many years, but I do not act like me. I have emotions then I have no emotions, I have feelings then I have no feelings then I care and then I don’t. I see a future and then I see nothing.
Why am I still here? I reached out. I took that dreaded step the BIG STEP that we are all afraid to take at the beginning. I had always been to scared and I fell at every hurdle. I fell so many times, I honestly felt that the next time I fell that would be it., and I would never get up again. Facing daily struggles, I was great at faking it, I could paint on that smile and manage to laugh, all of things took effort but I pulled them off to perfection. Nobody and I mean nobody knew. But inside I was breaking, breaking away bit by bit, day by day, drowning further into abyss with no way out.
Being a mother I felt scared to ask for help, they will judge me, they will take my children, they will think I am crazy, that I am incapable of looking after myself. Every tiny thing starts going through your mind, racing thoughts, doubts, but if I do not get help I will loose either way. I will be labelled a nutter, a crazy person, a loon and all those undesirable names people think off.
Then it happened I had to take one of the biggest steps of my life, that or carrying on drowning, the light was fading fast. I GOT HELP. I walked into the doctors office and I broke down, blanketed in a ton of tissues, I am not sure what I said it all came pouring out, once I started there was no stopping me, years and years gushed out of my mouth.
What was making me depressed was a chemical imbalance and trauma from past events.
I am not suggesting that anyone that feels the way that I did jump onto anti depressants, we all have different stories, different circumstances and we choose to manage things in different ways.
But what I will say is to reach, reach out like you never have before and find that light at the end of that very long dark tunnel. It is there you just need to find it. Do not fight this battle alone.
Depression, anxiety, PTSD, mental health disorders, there are to many to list, they are all a BATTLE.
Do not get me wrong I will have the odd bad day, I am not made of steel but the good days outweigh the bad days by far.
Tears are now tears of happiness.
Fear is not gratitude.
Ugliness to beauty.
Emptiness to fulfilling.
I never feel alone now, I have learnt to like my own company and I can be the crowd, I have me, myself and I matter.
Most of the time if not all of the time, I am back.
I never thought I would be me again in a lifetime.
I can smile again.
Mental Health is an illness that you can not see.
Never be scared to reach out….
Best wishes
Claire Victoria Writer ©

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